“My brother, e ku exchange
rate oh.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am greeting you. I am saying how are you
and the exchange rate palaver. The dollar wahala”.
“So, that is why you are saying e ku
exchange rate. Is something wrong with you Yoruba
people? Must you turn everything into
a form of greeting?”
“You are insulting me?”
“I am making a statement”
“Any serious matter at all, you and
your people must turn it into something else. E ku exchange rate?What
kind of greeting is that? Yoruba will say e ku election, e ku
democracy, e ku change, e ku ana, e ku gbogbo e, gbogbo e, e ku democracy. I
am tired of answering you people and your cynical greetings.”
“The people don’t mean any harm.”
“That was how somebody came to me the other
day and said e ku Mecca, Medina, e ku Qatar. I felt like
slapping the guy.”
“Ha.”
“I don’t like hypocrites.”
“Would you have felt better, if he had told
you e ku living upside down, e ku idorikodo, e pele change?”
“I would just have been livid, because I know
you and your people. Too much cynicism.”
“Can you stop?”
“You know me, I speak my mind.”
“No. You are beginning to sound like Donald
Trump. Stop Trump-ing other people, just because you don’t know where they are
coming from.”
“But of course I know where you are coming
from when you say e ku exchange rate”.
“Where am I coming from? I just left my
house”
“My friend. Sit down. “
“You too stop going upanddan”
“Okay, you want to talk about exchange rate.
I am listening. The way it is, everybody is now an economist in Nigeria. Even
my driver yesterday was telling me about the behaviour of the parallel market.
And I overheard the nanny commenting on the 2016 budget and how it may, in the
long run affect the housekeeping allowance.”
“That’s a criminal in the making. You should
sack that housekeeper. She certainly wants to pad the housekeeping allowance.”
“You know these people also watch television.
She must have listened to stories about padding on television and radio may be,
and she may think it is perfectly normal in today’s Nigeria to pad figures.”
“These things run deep, I agree. But a crook
is a crook. Better keep an eye on that housekeeper and let her know that this
is the era of prudence, discipline and you-steal-you-get-caught-you-blame
yourself-and-may-be-go-to-wa wi-tenu-e places.“
“Don’t worry, I am the EFCC of my house,
nobody can pad anything. I am on top of it. I do more market research and
monitoring than Madam.”
“I don’t get it. You now go to the market
while Madam stays home?”
“You can say what you like, but I can tell
you authoritatively that a bag of rice which used to be N8, 500 is now
N12, 500. Pampers was N1, 450, it is now within three weeks, N1, 850.”
“Pampers?”
“Yes”
“What’s your business with pampers?”
“What is not my business with pampers? I am a
very active man, upstairs and downstairs. You don’t think I should be
interested in all things material and particular and eventual? “
“You have really changed. What happened to
you?”
“Are you interested in my findings or you
want to discuss something else?”
“Carry on. I am listening.”
“A congo of garri was N250 a few weeks ago,
it is now N500”
“Common garri?”
“Garri has changed oh. It is no longer
common”
“Really?”
“Stop saying really? Be a man and do your own
research before Madam and the housekeeper drive you into bankruptcy by adding
something of their own to the real figures and giving you false information.
You must be proactive.”
“I am with you”
“See, I like to drink Andre. A carton used to
be about N20,000. Can you believe it has jumped up to N24,500?”
“Andre? What is that?”
“It is a kind of wine. Middle class taste. I
like it.”
“So cheap? Some other people drink Crystal,
Cliquot, didn’t know you are just a bush man with all your big
mouth. Andre. Please stop disgracing somebody.”
“A carton of Carlo Rossi, a week ago
was N14,000, it is now N17, 500.
“Carlo Rossi? Who is that? A football
coach?
“Even the cost of paraga and alomo,
kasaprenko has gone up.”
“You drink all of that too?”
“A carton of Orijin was
N2, 900 the other week, it is now N3, 300”
“You keep talking about drinks. No wonder you
have also been monitoring the prices of pampers. You can’t know the
prices of these concoctions and not cause some maternity ward problems.”
“I am giving you real figures. And that is
why I greeted you, e ku exhange rate. The Naira has been
dancing like a yo-yo, and the dollar is the queen of the foreign exchange
market in Nigeria today.”
“The colour of change.”
“The Naira even exchanged for N390 to the
dollar, and N500 to the pound.”
“Nobody is talking about the pound.”
“It is the American age. You’d think the
Americans were the ones who colonized Nigeria with the way they have colonized
the Nigerian exchange rate. Practically everyone is looking for the dollar, you
would think the Naira never existed. We definitely have an economic identity
crisis. ”
“My driver told me he has a solution to the
problem”
“I have heard some petrol station attendants
also saying they will solve the problem.”
“I am not joking. My own Pastor actually told
us on Sunday that the problem with the Naira is spiritual and that
with prayers, the Naira will regain its lost strength.”
“Well, the petrol station attendant has a
different logic, and his own logic is even different from my driver’s.”
“That is the problem. Everybody in Nigeria
today is now an economist. Very soon, the roadside imbecile will issue an
opinion on how the Naira can be saved.”
“Are you sure that has not happened yet?”
“I went to a barbing salon last week, and the
barber lamented that his prices would have to change”
“Ok?”
“Exchange rate and crude oil prices, he said”
“By the time landlords start blaming the
exchange rate and the spot price of crude oil, and they fix prices differently,
we would all be in big trouble.”
“But what happened to that campaign?”
“Which one?
“The Buy-Naija-To-Grow-the-Naira campaign,
promoted by Senator Ben Bruce and others.”
“Ha. You have not heard? The Common Sense
Senator published a book on Common Sense, but it was discovered that the man
preaching buy Naija, published his own book in the US of A.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? Should he do one thing
and say another?”
“Let the people criticizing the Senator go
and sit down, and keep quiet. The man is a thinker. They should know that. When
they go to his Silverbird cinemas, do they watch Nigerian films there all the
time, or do they eat guguru instead of pop corn?”
“I am listening”
“I am listening”
“And have they seen Senator Bruce wearing
local attires like a fisherman? This thing is about ideas. And that is why I
always argue that what we need is not common sense, but uncommon sense. When
you confront Nigerians with common sense, they will start looking for
loopholes”.
“I just hope that your common sense Senator
is married to a Nigerian woman, because that is the best way to grow the
Naira.”
“What is that? Where is that coming from?”
“I don’t think anybody can preach buy Naija
to grow the Naira, and then go and marry a foreign wife, that will be hypocrisy
of the highest order!”
“What is the connection between where a man
marries from and the Naira?”
“There is. Please, there is; it is the
biggest money laundering offence.”
“You have started again. Who are you trying
to shade?”
“Nobody. But if we want to really save the
Naira, everybody should buy Naija.”
“That is too simplistic. Except you are
trying to suggest that our Governor-friend with Cape Verde connections has also
refused to buy Naija and therefore has a hand in the problem with the Naira.”
“He is our friend oh. Please, no comment.”
“Some people say to save the Naira, not even
the bedroom should be outsourced, and that the biggest drain on this economy is
the obsession of the Nigerian rich with all things beautiful and romantically
seductive from foreign countries.”
“I can’t comment on that.”
“You are saying all of this because Ben
Murray Bruce printed his common sense book in America?”
“I am saying we all need to rescue the Naira
and the economy. The economy first!”
“You are beginning to sound like a
vulcanizer. It is not your job, it is not my driver’s job, and the petrol
station attendants should just keep quiet. Na only we dey OPEC?”
“They won’t. They can’t. This is a democracy
and we all have a right to make policy. If we don’t speak up, some people will
pad things again and things will get worse.”
“It is Godwin Emefiele’s job”
“Him na your brother?”
“He is the Governor of the Central Bank”
“Really?”
“What do you mean, really?”
“What are his views on monetary policy?”
“Go and ask him”
“And fiscal policy?”
“Go and ask the Minister of Finance?”
“We have a Minister of Finance?”
“Of course we do”
“And who is that?”
“Wait a moment. What’s that her name again?”
“Hello?”
“Wait. I am trying to remember. Em…em…yes,
16+6= 24!”
“You mean you can’t connect the monetary side
with the fiscal side of the Nigerian economy, you are busy just saying… Okay,
don’t bother, I get it.”
“Candidly speaking.”
“Don’t worry, the people who are benefitting
from the Naira crisis know her and they know her name and they know the CBN
Governor too. In case you don’t know, while you are busy trying to put people
down, some other Nigerians have made a fortune from the Naira-Dollar palaver.”
“A fortune?”
“Yes. That is the difference between people
who are clever and those who just complain. One of my wife’s friends is almost
a billionaire now because the Naira crashed.”
“How did she do it?”
“The God of Olajumoke intervened. The God of
Adekunle Gold picked up her call. And the God of Korede Bello said she had won.
Her warehouse is profiting from the difference. So when you talk with that your
sharp mouth, just know that in every economic situation, there are both happy
and sad stories.”
“But there are standards, normative contexts,
economic frameworks”
“If you don’t get it, you can’t get it. If
you don’t mind, please, I don’t want a lecture on that.”
very entertaining i must say
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